Day 17

Have you ever felt insufficient? Like you're not enough? I've found myself feeling this way a lot lately. At times it feels like I'm shorting myself. I'm not being all that I could be. I'm not living my life to the fullest and I'm definitely not making the people around me lives any better. I wish I could change everything about myself. I wish I could just be completely happy with my life. I'm not sure how to accomplish any of these things, but I can at least try.

But where do I start? There is so much about me that needs to change. The first thing I need to change is my attitude. Not just my attitude towards people, but my attitude towards life. I don't think I'm the most negative person in the world, but I think too much. I think about all kinds of possible outcomes that don't even exist. This keeps me from doing a lot of things that I want to do.

Like I said before, there is a LOT that I need to change, but my thoughts are a step. Your thoughts control your actions and the way you feel. I'll work on controlling that. I feel better already. I need to step outside of the box I've been living in and start living life the way it is meant to be lived. I want to love the way I was meant to love. I want to be the person I was born to be. Thats all I have to say today!

Day 16??

Ok, so it has been over a month since my last post. A lot has changed over the past month...a lot has also stayed the same! I'm still working on becoming a better boyfriend and just a better person overall. If you know me (like REALLY know me) then you know I was once on fire for God. I believe that God is working on me and has been for quite some time now. Well to make a long story short, I dedicated my life to God...did that for a while, and then something terrible happened...I fell ALL
THE WAY
OFF!!

I went back to my old ways. Smoking weed, cussing like nobody's business, and other things that I'd rather not share. Throughout all of this I would hear God speaking to me...and I would totally and blatantly run the other way! Back to my old ways...when I know that I was born a new person in Christ. They didn't even do the same things for me that they did b4 I had Jesus in my life...but I would still do them.

One day I came up with the idea that I could still do what I wanted (basically smoke and cuss lol) as long as I acknowledged God. Then I realized that pretty much everybody ACKNOWLEDGES God...but there is a huge difference between acknowledging Him...and honoring Him. I started to really hear Him speaking to me through people that aren't schooled in the Scriptures or that maybe haven't ever even read the Bible. I was turning into a huge hypocrite...the one thing that I never wanted to be! Once I realized that...other things started to come into place.

I realized that I was not being all that God had called me to be. I wasn't serving Him the way that I KNEW i was supposed to be! So here I am...trying to get back on the right path..the path that God set for me b4 the foundations of the earth! I'm done lying to myself...I'm done caring what people think (Thats what messed me up in the 1st place)...I'm done relying on myself...and I'm ready to start following Jesus!....(Steps off soap box!!)

Day 15

It's been a minute since I wrote anything on here, but I definitely feel the need to do some venting...so here I am. Its 3 a.m. and I'm up thinking about a lot of stuff. I'm thinking about how I've fucked up. I've messed up too many times. One good deed can't make up for years of bad ones. Its done. I'm done. I messed up the thing that meant most to me...the sad thing is I didn't know how much it meant...and now that I do realize, its too late.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am solely responsible for everything that is happening to me. If anything good has come out of this its that I learned a lesson. Several lessons actually. I learned to appreciate the good things in life. I've also learned to ignore the petty shit in life. I learned to not get so caught up in non-important stuff that I let the important stuff slip away.

I've learned a lot about self-discipline. I've learned a lot about love. I thought I knew everything. I thought I had everything planned out. I thought I was smart. The problem was that I wasn't smart at all. While I thought I was being "smart" I was actually being dumb as hell!

Another thing I've learned is not to beat myself up. Mistakes happen. I'm only human and I will never be perfect, but this situation will definitely make me better. I'm still growing and maturing. I have a long way to go, but slow progress is better than no progress, right?

Day 14....TURNING CORNERS

Everybody has something that they struggle with...the important thing is to be able to overcome these things and better yourself. Over the past several years I have been off and on with the thing I struggle with. I've had times when I felt as if I had conquered this thing only to later realize I hadn't even come close.

I named this entry "Turning Corners" because I feel like I am growing and maturing as a young man, father, boyfriend, son, and every other relationship I have. A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks that have sped this process up a little bit. I've lost two people who I care about over the past week and it has impacted me...for the better! I almost lost another person who is important to me due to my own stupidity and selfishness. These things have made me realize the value of the people in my life and how much I truly do love and need them. I'm turning corners as a man...overcoming things that could have potentially ruined me. I'm stronger than the issues I deal with...i'm more powerful than anything I struggle with.

When things in life are put in perspective, we realize what is really important and what is not. That's part of the reason I haven't been using the social networking sites much (Facebook, Twitter, etc.). I feel as if they are a distraction from the life that is going on around me. I find myself constantly checking status updates and all the other silly things that have no impact on my life what-so-ever while ignoring the things that actually do effect my life. I'm growing...and its showing!

Day 13

The lesson that I learned yesterday has really helped me today. I can feel the difference since I've been consciously trying to appreciate the present. Last night I went out with my girl and we had a really good time. We did some things that we don't normally do and it was fun! It's good to step outside of your comfort zone from time to time. I'm learning to appreciate her more and I'm working on being a better man. I'm still not perfect, but I'm definitely improving.

I haven't read my book today. I've been pretty busy with work. If you watched the game today, you were probably as disappointed as me in our performance. That would've ruined my day a few months ago. I was still upset about losing...but I've learned to shake it off. Its really not that important at the end of the day...Living...Learning...

Day 12

Today has been an interesting day. I went to work this morning with every intention of half-assing and doing as little as possible. But when I got to work, I realized how much I enjoy what I do. I'm blessed to be able to interact with the people I have met and I also feel lucky to be able to be exposed to some things that I could only dream of seeing in the past.

There was a press conference today with our new head coach Charlie Strong. Looking at Coach Strong, I see a strong black man who has overcome adversity and unfairness in his career to reach his goals and live out his wildest dreams. When I look at Coach Strong, I see a man who is focused, hard-working, driven, and determined to succeed and prove his critics wrong. Coach Strong is an inspiration for me to succeed in a world where there are very few African-Americans in leadership positions although we make up the majority of the athletes.

The whole purpose of this blog was to help me grow as a person. I want to be able to look back at these entries 170 days from now and think to myself, "Wow, I've really grown up over the past 6 months." In order to do things I've never done, I must try things I've never tried...and go places I've never been.

So the other day I forgot to mention I started reading a new book. Its called 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff..." by Richard Carlson. I love this book because it is full of wisdom on enjoying life and just becoming a better person overall. The section I read today was called "Learn to Live in the Present." This section talks about how we as people dwell on the past or look ahead to the future rather than enjoying the only time period we actually have any control over...THE PRESENT!

John Lennon once said "Life is what's happening while we're busy making other plans."

The book also says "Many people live is if life were a dress rehearsal for a later date. It isn't. In fact, no one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow. Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have control over. "

This is probably some of the realest stuff I've ever read. It makes me think about how much I do exactly what they are talking about. I'm often so busy worrying about something that happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow that I don't get a chance to enjoy the present. We are always in the present so we might as well enjoy it. That is something I am glad that I learned and I will be working on it from here on out.

Day 11

I didn't really do much today. I've just been spending time with my family and friends. Everything seems so unreal to me right now. I need some time to myself to reflect on the last couple of days. I'm still in shock about my aunt and my homie D-Real. Stuff just seems like its from a movie.

I don't have much to say today. I definitely need some inspiration. I feel like everything is happening so fast around me. I'm done for today....hopefully tomorrow is a better day.