Day 15

It's been a minute since I wrote anything on here, but I definitely feel the need to do some venting...so here I am. Its 3 a.m. and I'm up thinking about a lot of stuff. I'm thinking about how I've fucked up. I've messed up too many times. One good deed can't make up for years of bad ones. Its done. I'm done. I messed up the thing that meant most to me...the sad thing is I didn't know how much it meant...and now that I do realize, its too late.

I have no one to blame but myself. I am solely responsible for everything that is happening to me. If anything good has come out of this its that I learned a lesson. Several lessons actually. I learned to appreciate the good things in life. I've also learned to ignore the petty shit in life. I learned to not get so caught up in non-important stuff that I let the important stuff slip away.

I've learned a lot about self-discipline. I've learned a lot about love. I thought I knew everything. I thought I had everything planned out. I thought I was smart. The problem was that I wasn't smart at all. While I thought I was being "smart" I was actually being dumb as hell!

Another thing I've learned is not to beat myself up. Mistakes happen. I'm only human and I will never be perfect, but this situation will definitely make me better. I'm still growing and maturing. I have a long way to go, but slow progress is better than no progress, right?

Day 14....TURNING CORNERS

Everybody has something that they struggle with...the important thing is to be able to overcome these things and better yourself. Over the past several years I have been off and on with the thing I struggle with. I've had times when I felt as if I had conquered this thing only to later realize I hadn't even come close.

I named this entry "Turning Corners" because I feel like I am growing and maturing as a young man, father, boyfriend, son, and every other relationship I have. A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks that have sped this process up a little bit. I've lost two people who I care about over the past week and it has impacted me...for the better! I almost lost another person who is important to me due to my own stupidity and selfishness. These things have made me realize the value of the people in my life and how much I truly do love and need them. I'm turning corners as a man...overcoming things that could have potentially ruined me. I'm stronger than the issues I deal with...i'm more powerful than anything I struggle with.

When things in life are put in perspective, we realize what is really important and what is not. That's part of the reason I haven't been using the social networking sites much (Facebook, Twitter, etc.). I feel as if they are a distraction from the life that is going on around me. I find myself constantly checking status updates and all the other silly things that have no impact on my life what-so-ever while ignoring the things that actually do effect my life. I'm growing...and its showing!

Day 13

The lesson that I learned yesterday has really helped me today. I can feel the difference since I've been consciously trying to appreciate the present. Last night I went out with my girl and we had a really good time. We did some things that we don't normally do and it was fun! It's good to step outside of your comfort zone from time to time. I'm learning to appreciate her more and I'm working on being a better man. I'm still not perfect, but I'm definitely improving.

I haven't read my book today. I've been pretty busy with work. If you watched the game today, you were probably as disappointed as me in our performance. That would've ruined my day a few months ago. I was still upset about losing...but I've learned to shake it off. Its really not that important at the end of the day...Living...Learning...

Day 12

Today has been an interesting day. I went to work this morning with every intention of half-assing and doing as little as possible. But when I got to work, I realized how much I enjoy what I do. I'm blessed to be able to interact with the people I have met and I also feel lucky to be able to be exposed to some things that I could only dream of seeing in the past.

There was a press conference today with our new head coach Charlie Strong. Looking at Coach Strong, I see a strong black man who has overcome adversity and unfairness in his career to reach his goals and live out his wildest dreams. When I look at Coach Strong, I see a man who is focused, hard-working, driven, and determined to succeed and prove his critics wrong. Coach Strong is an inspiration for me to succeed in a world where there are very few African-Americans in leadership positions although we make up the majority of the athletes.

The whole purpose of this blog was to help me grow as a person. I want to be able to look back at these entries 170 days from now and think to myself, "Wow, I've really grown up over the past 6 months." In order to do things I've never done, I must try things I've never tried...and go places I've never been.

So the other day I forgot to mention I started reading a new book. Its called 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff..." by Richard Carlson. I love this book because it is full of wisdom on enjoying life and just becoming a better person overall. The section I read today was called "Learn to Live in the Present." This section talks about how we as people dwell on the past or look ahead to the future rather than enjoying the only time period we actually have any control over...THE PRESENT!

John Lennon once said "Life is what's happening while we're busy making other plans."

The book also says "Many people live is if life were a dress rehearsal for a later date. It isn't. In fact, no one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow. Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have control over. "

This is probably some of the realest stuff I've ever read. It makes me think about how much I do exactly what they are talking about. I'm often so busy worrying about something that happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow that I don't get a chance to enjoy the present. We are always in the present so we might as well enjoy it. That is something I am glad that I learned and I will be working on it from here on out.

Day 11

I didn't really do much today. I've just been spending time with my family and friends. Everything seems so unreal to me right now. I need some time to myself to reflect on the last couple of days. I'm still in shock about my aunt and my homie D-Real. Stuff just seems like its from a movie.

I don't have much to say today. I definitely need some inspiration. I feel like everything is happening so fast around me. I'm done for today....hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Day 10

I got some terrible news today. A friend of mine from high school passed away. It doesn't even feel real. It seems like this should all just be a dream or a story somebody made up. When tragic things like this happen it makes me realize how fragile life is. It makes me appreciate each moment because life is so unpredictable you never know when your time is up.

More bad news....my great-aunt Francis also passed away today. This is very sad news. I haven't lost many family members...so this really hurts. I just ask that y'all pray for me and my family.

Day 9

I have been chilling all day. Today was "Reading Day" so there was no clas...and I did absolutely no reading! It feels good to just have a day to catch up on relaxing. Seems like I almost forgot what that was since I'm always so busy.

But on another note....I'm really having a good day! God has blessed me with a second (or 9th who's counting) chance at one of the "things" I love most in this world. Just when you start to feel like its over for you...God finds a way to renew you and give you what you want. I'm the happiest I've been in a good minute...and there is no way I'm going to mess this up! It is good to realize and appreciate the good things you have and that is exactly what has been happening to me. I'm done with the unimportant things and people in my life. I've gotten a second chance at happiness! I'm taking advantage of opportunities that will help me get where I am trying to go.

I have a vision of having the perfect family with the perfect career. I want to have perfect balance and harmony in my life...and there is nothing that is going to stop me from getting that...not even the biggest enemy of all...MYSELF!

Day 8

My word of the day is HONESTY. Honesty is a rare quality nowadays. It is hard to come by a person who is completely and totally honest at all times. I am no different. I have lied countless times...sometimes about silly things...and other times about serious, more important things.

Here is a good quote about honesty from UofL coach Rick Pitino
"Lying about a problem makes it a part of your future. Telling the truth makes it a part of your past."

The thing about honesty is that it feels sooo good! The truth shall set you free...these are wise words from a decent man...and they couldn't be more true. I experienced this first hand today. I told someone the total, uncensored, honest to God truth today and even though it was a hard thing to do...it felt GREAT! I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my chest. I still feel good for real. It feels good to be able to go about my day knowing that I have nothing to hide...nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. Today was a good day...and hopefully tonight will be a great night!

Day 7

I feel terrible. I have hurt and disappointed the person I love most. Have you ever changed something about yourself and people don't believe that you really have changed? Or have you ever been known for doing something and you quit doing it, yet people still look at you sideways or expect that thing out of you? That is what I'm going through today. I'm a changed man...believe it or not...I am.

So I have a question for anybody who may read this post...What does someone have to show you to prove that they really have changed? Does it take time? I guess the only way to really prove that you've changed is to act it out everyday. Be consistent in your actions and don't go back to your old ways. Thats me today...just trying to prove it.

I would really love some feedback on this post...

Day 6

You live and you learn. I've done some really stupid things over the past few weeks. I've taken the people who love me for granted. I've learned that things from your past can come back to hurt you even after you've made up your mind to do the right thing. It took me possibly losing one of the most important people in my life to realize how much I love them and how much I really do need them.

I can be very stubborn and at times just plain ignorant. I like to think that I don't need anybody and that I'll be good with or without certain people in my life. But when things hit the fan and stuff starts to get ugly, you realize what is really important and whats not so important. I get so caught up in myself and in my ego that I convince myself that I can do whatever I want with no consequences.

This couldn't be farther from the truth. Whats done in the dark will eventually come to the light...this is an absolute truth. I did some things because I thought I could get away with them...I was absolutely wrong. The thing that gets me is that I know I'm better than that. I'm better than the decisions I have made. I've hurt the people I love, abused and mistreated them...starting today...starting right this second...I vow to be a better person. I promise to put more thought into my actions and make better decisions.

I've taken some time to reflect on my actions and just on my situation overall. I'm very fortunate and very blessed to have the people that I have in my life. With that said...Goodnight and God bless!

Day 5

Today was not my day. It started off great. Class went well, work was great, even had a decent day for a while after that....but then, things took a turn for the worst. I've noticed that I'm solely responsible for about 85-90 percent of the things that go wrong in my life. I take the good things for granted and worry about the small things...that is NOT A GOOD LOOK!

Now I'm not going to go into detail about my problems, but just know that they are completely my fault. They come from all of my self-made flaws. Me being cocky, unappreciative of the things/people in my life, ignoring the right people and glorifying the wrong people, and the deadliest of all, not listening to my heart. I have a good heart and a lot of people know that. What a lot of people don't know is that I often act with my "male instincts" rather than my God-given conscience. What use is a "good" heart if I don't use it? I claim to be so different than the average guy, but when it boils down to it, I make a lot of the same stupid decisions. This one could come back to haunt me....and probably sooner than later.

I learned a lot today...and I'll probably learn more tomorrow. This will be a heck of a learning experience over the next few days...to say the least.

Day 4

Today has been a pretty good day to this point. Sometimes its nice to be able to put your problems on the backburner and just enjoy life. I haven't felt any real stress today and that is always a good thing. I really don't have much to say today. Maybe thats good...

I think I'm gonna go visit my granddaddy today. That man is my heart...him and my mother. He is always very supportive of me in everything I do and is always there for me when I need him. As you can see I don't have anything to talk about so....can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!...Lord willing

Day 3

Today I have a lot on my mind. Mostly my relationship with my son's mother. People say some things that they don't mean when they're upset...but how do you know which things they actually mean and the ones that are just out of anger? Over the past two days I've heard some things that have really made me think. Am I wasting my/her time? I'm not real big on putting my personal business online for the world to see, but I have to get some things off my mind...and onto this page!

They say you never know a good thing until its gone...is that true? I don't want that to be me...but at the same time, how do I know if its a good thing? I mean obviously it has some good points...but the negatives are starting to weigh heavily on our situation. I have done some messed up things over the years...and I think its coming back on me big time now. I'm a firm believer in what is meant to be will be...but I don't want to use that as an excuse to do stupid stuff. Am I losing yall? So basically I'm just confused...I don't care what other people think of me...and I don't want to take advice from people because what works for you may not work for me. So here I am....STUCK! What is meant to be will be...so I'm just gonna sit back and let things run their course....for now anyway.

Day 2

Today was a weird day. I learned a lot about patience...or my lack there of. I definitely need to work on that. But how do you work on patience? Count to 10? That doesn't work for me. I guess I just have to ignore all the petty things and keep it movin. Maybe I could avoid some situations...but why should I have to compromise who I am for someone ele? Or should I sacrifice my feelings to help a greater cause? Life is full of questions...but very short on answers.

But on another note....I made a schedule for myself today. I followed it pretty decent I guess. I'm not used to actually being organized. I'm getting it though. I like the schedule though. Its funny how you think you don't have time to do stuff...but when u organize it, their is really plenty of time! I believe that if you learn something then you had a good day...I learned a lot about myself and a few others...so I had a great day! Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds...Goodnight and God bless